This week I am off because my baby boy turns one and my mamma is visiting. I don't see my mamma that often. We live miles and miles and moles apart.
A year ago she was here waiting with us for the baby that was at this point 8 days over due...that was a very heavy and uncomfortable time?

So I decided that to celebrate the right way I took 7 days off.

There is a lot of stuff to do like start baking, get som nice looking paper plates, clean and cuddle a lot with my boy before he gets to old and to cool for it.

1 year! That is crazy!

Well I kinda know how, I had sex, became pregnant and now almost a year later...here I am!

It's about 20 minutes past 6 and I am so not ready to get up out of my wonderful bed BUT my son is ready to get out of his. I can here it in the monitor. He is sitting in his room, in his bed and talking.

I am going to be honest...I miss my sleep.
There are so many great things with my baby boy, I just wished he would sleep until 8 or even 9 o'clock.
Me and my partner usually take turns getting up with baby in the morning, who ever has the most strength to get out of the bed.
Today I guess it's me THOUGH I rather do nothing else than stay in bed and sleep until 10ish.

I am not the first nor will I be the last parent to feel that I have been robed of my sleep, this I do know at 6 o'clock in the morning

The unknown, it's scary.
It's like in all the scary movies...you're going about your day drinking a glass of orange juice and you close your refrigerator door and BOOM!...the unknown.

That is what I was doing. I was going about my business, working hard, doing what I love and BOOM. " Yes Cathy, you might be out of a job at the end of this year", says the voice at the other end of the line.

What!? I will most likely loose my job that I love and that I am so devoted to.
The unknown just snuck up on me like a crazy person behind the refrigerator door.

Knowing that the unknown has made itself known is tricky. Especially when it is a "might" involved. I might loose my job...does this mean that I should be looking for something else or should I wait?
Maybe it is time to move on...I really don't want to but maybe this is the world's way of saying " It is time for you to adventure new horizones".

I like it better when the unknown is unknown

Jag hör hur det knäpper i plåttaken och känner kvavheten i skuggan, här kommer värmen!
Det sägs att det ska bli en sommar som liknar den vingade förra året...det vill inte jag ha!
Min lilla man har dessutom åkt på en liten förkylning så vi får se hur det går i denna värme.
20 grader varmt och klockan är inte ens 10 på morgonen.

Just nu i denna stund inser jag att jag inte alls skriver på engelska utan på svenska...det händer ibland. Det får vara så idag?

Tillbaka till värmen.
Det är ju inte så att jag inte inte tycker om värme, för det gör jag, men jag har svårt när det blir för varmt.
25 grader max kan jag hå med på och då ska det vara under dagen i h sen svalna av på kvällen till en lämplig temperatur krk g ca 18 grader.
Efter typ 30 och definitivt efter en graviditet känner jag inte samma glädje och måste att ligga ute i solen och bli brun.
Min kropp (enligt mig själv) är inte beach ready!
På ett sätt längtar jag tillbaka till dom dagarna då jag kunde ligga på stranden med vänner och bara sluka solen och prata om roliga saker.
Nu förtiden blir jag på så dåligt humör när jag blir varm.

Det är otroligt mysigt att sitt på altanen i skuggan och läsa min bok ich i bland titta upp på allt det vackra som jag är omringad av denna tiden på året.

I am now done feeling sorry for myself about not being at that party BUT I can't shake the feeling of...it's hard to find the words.

As a child you can feel kinda often that things are unfair and can be upset about and it is ok.
As an adult you can also feel like alot of things are unfair BUT you can't be upset just cuz. As an adult you have to look at the situation and ask yourself WHY you are upset. It sucks...

So why did I get upset and sad?

I think that I do have the answer but I am so tired of it that I don't want to think about it or admit to it.

I got upset and sad because I feelt left out.

I wonder why I am not good enough to get invited to that party.

I want to be apart of something that other people are apart of.

I don't like feeling this way and today the weather dosen't help.

This is the reason I stoped having facebook. Now, do I have to stoop having instagram as well?

I feel like I am left outside in the cold.
People are invited to a party but I never got an invite.
I guess that I'm not considered a friend and at the same time I am ok with that BUT I feel silly that I invited that person to my party...
It is hard being a grown ass woman!
I thought at one point in my life that I did a good thing being honest but now I am not so sure.
I feel like I get excluded but I understand, it's just hard being on the outside looking in. I want to be apart, included.

The more I write about it the more I hear my self and it is stupid.
I just got upset and sad that is all

My baby boy and I are sitting on a train on my to visit my pappa, brother, sister in-law and therie beautiful girls.
It left super early this morning 05:08?
Right now baby is on the floor sleeping and I wish it was that easy for me. But instead I am sitting here thinking about what makes us good parents.
You see I had to go to the bathroom and suddenly I was in a dilemma " is it ok if I leave my baby,sleeping on the floor, while I go and pee?"
Is there a right or a wrong in this situation?
I am traveling alone with my 8 months old baby WHO is sleeping in a deep sleep on the floor safely it should be ok to leave him on the floor for like two minutes.

But I start to think how it would look to other people if I leave my baby to go to the bathroom.

I went to the bathroom. As I was sitting on the toilette my heart was pounding fast and I was nervous.

I got back and everything was fine and I was a happy camper.

Am I a good parent?

Are we good parents that leave our chuildren to go pee?

How about when we close the door for just one sec to take 1 minute to our selfs when the crying wont stop?

Or how about when you visit family and the moment you walk through the door you hand your baby to the grandparent standing closest to you and don't see your child for the rest of the weekend? (excepted for when there is a popy diaper)

80% of the time I feel guilty, does anybody else?

I feel like eyes are on you all the time.

What you feed your baby, what cloths he/she wears, how develpoed your child is and how calm and collected you are as a parent.

It is enogh to make you go mad.

What is a good parent?

Stupid, i know.
You should know that your beautiful without me telling you!
There is a hand full of people that have told me that I am beautiful and I guess that that is better than none BUT at the same time i feel that if more people told me that I was pretty I would start feeling it...don't know if there is any truth in that statement.

But i was thinking that if YOU are like ME i want to take this momet and tell you that you are beautiful just the way you are.