It's about YOU.

Your life is about you.

There is no one else living in your body except for you.

So that means that YOU have to take responsibility for your well-being.

Easier said than done?

The answer to that is YES!

Right now, in life, I am at a point where I'm kind of at a crossroad.

There is a lot of change happening at the moment and that is scary for me.

Change...I have never liked it and it can be hard for people to understand.

Understand that when I get news that effects my life, smal or big, good or bad it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I start thinking about all the aspects of the news and how it will change everything.

Some people say “Change is a part of life, just embrace it”.

Other people say “It is what it is, just go with it”.

For me it's more “change is coming, I need to run away” or “Change is coming, I need to take cover”.

It is hard to be a person that has a hard time with it and I don't want to be that kind of person.

So either I can take road A:

Force

(Try to convince myself that I am not afraid of change so I put myself in the situation at hand and hope that it will pass. I become unpredictable to the people around me, I get so concentrated that it is going to work that I can hurt people in the process instead.)

Or B:

Run away (I loose everything and everybody)

Or C:

Take time

(Except me for me. Let Cathy take the time she needs to understand, except and deal with it in her own way.

Explain to people involved. others may be upset that I need to have my distance for a while but I don't hurt them in that process and I don't hurt myself either.)

I have to take care of my self to be the best version of me.

No one else can do that for me.

So right now I am taking my time.

It is hard and scary and a first for me.

Though I am sad and somewhat alone I know that when I am done taking my time there will be people waiting for me.

That is truly the beauty of taking responsibility for you well-being.

A whole summer has passed.

Six weeks of vacation has now been used.

This summer was the first summer I was going to just take it easy.

Do all that stuff that I heard that people do on their vacation. Read books, drink wine, drink fruity drinks, stay up late, hang out with friends and sleep in.

It was a unforgettable summer none the less.

If you have read the post before this you know that my grand father fell ill.

He was doing so good and then he wasn't doing that good anymore.

Mom told us to book our tickets for the fallowing week.

We did.

I arrived at grandpa's house at four o'clock.

I was scared...I didn't know what he was going to look like.

I had to get some strength.

My god daughter was sitting with me as I was trying to get myself together.

She asked me if I had seen “big grandpa” yet.

I said no.

She said that she had been to see him and all the stuff that you had to do and that you had to be careful.

I said that I was a little scared.

She said that didn't have to be and that she would g with me if I wanted to.(My god daughter is 6 years old, she is so cool.)

I said that would like that.

So I took her hand and we went over to “big grandpa”.

That night right before midnight my lovely grandpa took his last breath.

When I lost grandpa it made me start to think. It made me stop and look around.

He is truly one of the most giving, loving, proud, funny, stubborn and respected people I have ever know.

I would like to be more like him.

His memorial was beautiful. And when we spread his ashes it was...it was...it was.

MY summer has been ups and downs. But mostly UP.

Me and my darling Erik have been working on our house.

I have read four books and I have drunken my wine.

I have made new memories with some old friends and I have made memories with my little family.

Right now in this moment I am sitting on my deck at my house in sweden look out on what is left of this summer.

Longing, prayers and hope. That is is what is left of my summer.

I want to thank once more everybody that have been praying for my family. I am and I know my family are forever grateful.

Saturday 8pm

The phone rings, it's mom.

Grandpa has is in the hospital.

There was alot of blood.

Nobody knows what happend.

I hang up and continue doing what ever it was that I was doing. But as the minutes pass me by it hits me what my mom just said. Grandpa is hurt...bad.

As I start thinking about all the information my mother told me, my heart starts to ache and the tears start to fall.

Just the thought of grandpa being in pain makes my whole body hurt.

Saturday around 8.45pm

I am talking to my sister and she seems calm.

Saturday 10pm

My sister calls me back and she sound diffrent.

It's serious.

Garndpa has hurt his head really bad.

He is in the ICU.

They don't know if he will makes it.

My heart sunk.The rest of the night was restless. Phone calls, tears, fear and wait. Having Erik by my side comforting me helped me.

Sunday morning

I woke up.

Called my bestfriend.

Then it hit me again. Just the thought of grandpa falling and helping himself to bed and being all alone, broke my heart. And just knowing how sad my mother was was more then I could bear. She was ssssooo many miles away from her father that was in critical condition.

Sunday afternoon

My sister called.

She had been with grandpa all night.

He had been restless and in alot of pain.

It didn't look good.

My sister and my brother have been so strong. I love them for that.They have really kept it together. Thank you.

Sunday 1.30pm

My brother gives me a hug.

WHat should WE do?

Should we go or should we stay.

We talked about it and discussed and we both felt that we wanted to wait. But I felt such stress. I wanted to be there for my family but my whole body said "no wait".

It felt like I was on the phone all day. Trying to figure stuff out, getting updates and crying. I couldn't eat I was tired from the lack of sleep.

Just from one phone call my whole worl flipped up side down...

Sunday night

We watched a movie.

Tried to think about something else.

Laughed a little.

I think it was planned out this way. That me and my younger older brother were/are here and my oldest brother and my baby sister wrere/are over there.

Monday

It was a crazy day.

I felt good when I woke up. 

My sister called we and told me that grandpa was awake and saying my mothers name.

My brother called me.

Grandpa was talkinga and wanted to go home.

Things were looking good.

Mom was there. Sha sang to him and he was dancing with his feet :)

Yesterday

Grandpa.

Stubborn.

Strong.

Amazing.

Lovely.

Healing.

Today

Today he was tired and annoyed.

Grandpa is not out of the woods yet. He has a long road ahead of him. 

On behalf of me and my whole family we want to say thank you.

Thank you for praying.

Thank you for having my grandpa in your thoughts.

The power of prayer is amazing.

Keep having him in your thought cause like I said there is still a long road a head with obstacles.

Summer is officially here :)
It been super warm here, to warm.
As soon as I lift a finger I'm sweating my ass off.
But at the same time it is very nice that everything has turned green and all the beautiful flowers are in bloom.

A few months ago me and Erik bought a house.
Eriks childhood home.
It is so pretty.
We have not moved into the house yet. Right now we are renovating and making it to out own.
It's hard but it is also fun.
It's a proud moment when you are done with something that you have done all by yourself.

Last weekend I scraped and painted the inside of the windows in our biggest room. It took about 2 1/2 days and now they look good.
This weekend we are going to start working with the walls. It going to feel ssssoooo good when we are done with the big livingroom.

When I am here in our house I feel calm and very relaxed.
The view is priceless.
I love going to bed cause when it's dark and there are no clouds I see the stars... And that makes me calm and happy.

Yesterday me and my friend were out walking.
He was in a great mood. Every step he took was like a little skip of joy.
I was feeling blue.
It's silly to feel so blue when everything is great.
Spring is here = the trees are turning green, the sun is shining more and it is getting warmer.
" but all that makes me feel a little low" I told my friend.
And he said " carpe diem Catharina, carpe diem, we people have such a hard time living in the moment. We think to much ahead."
True story, I thought.
I was feeling blue because I already saw the end. The end of summer and that fall is just around the corner.

One of my goals for this summer is to live in the moment :)
Starting now!

I think alot.

And when I'm thinking I think mostly about relationships.

Why some don't work out. 

Why do we as humans not get along with everyone?

why do I not feel comfortable with everyone?

And when I think about that I feel guilty. Cause I feel that I should get along with everyone.

But the truth is that you can't. Right!?

You can't "klick" with every single person that enter your life. Right!?

Guilt is a hard thing to live with.

I know that guilt is the key to my low self-esteem, body hatred,loning to make things right and never giving up on things that needed to end a long time ago.

They say that when you admitt to having a problem the battle is half won.

Ok, that is great but where do I go from here?

What is my next move?

How can I win?

I have lived with low self-esteem and body hatred for about a decade and a half.

it's like it has become apart of me. Who I am. I just don't know who I would be without it.

Sounds crazy, I know, but true.

It crazy how the mind works.

I thought that I was thinking about relationships but it was my guilt all along..

.  

When I turned 30 my husband had planned surprises for me :D
He fixed a party and had gotten my parents to come, my aunt, our dear family friend Karin, my brother and his lovely family and our friends from Gothenburg. But the biggest suprise was my best friends Elin :)
I was ssssoooo happy when he took my blindfold of and she was right in front of my eyes!
I had no idea :)
She took me out for dinner and drinks, just her and I, and it was lovely.

The surprise party was awesome!
Tacos, speeches, music, presents and dancing... A whole lot of dancing :D
I am happy that I can fill a room with about 30 people and just have a good time.

And then on Sunday morning I got champagne breakfast :D amazing!

Thank you everyone that made my birthday week amazing!
You make my heart zing <3

I am proud to say that I am 30 years old now :)
How does it feel? That is always the question you get when it's your birthday. Or do you feel older?
I really don't think about it. Sometimes the thought passes my mind that I am 30 now but I just smile and get bout my day.
I am happy hat I am not 20.
The only thing I find hard is that times dose feel like it goes faster as you get older.

I know that if I wouldn't had been where I am right now,in my life at 30, I would probably had a crises, no doubt.
I have meet people that have said that they are so happy that I am married cause if they would had been 30 and unmarried they would had died....I find that crazy. But everybody has therie own wants in life.
I never had that kind of "want" of getting married and children.

I think one of my " wants" has always been to find that person that loves me for who I am.
I have found that I don't only have one person that loves me for who I am but I have at least a hand full ( outside of my family) and that makes my heart sing.

Some of My "wants"
* to be loved as I am
* work with something I love
* Be healthy
* have music in my life
* balance
* friends
* be happy
* love myself
* love
* a home
* family

I hope that as a 30 years old woman I will be more understanding, patient , loving, cool, funny and wiser :)