Today I got up at 8.00am and went to the gym to work out and that I did.
I have been doing it for about 3months and I sometimes wonder why I am doing it. I don't feel different and I don't look different.
I have gained weight and not lost any...I get soooooo frustrated.
I get myself to the gym about 3 times a week and I am in constant motion.
Now I am going to cut back on sweets and snacking but it is not easy. Cause I love it.
I knew that the body changes after a pregnancy but I was not prepared somehow.
I miss my old body, believe it or not.
Isn't funny not in a "hahaha,that is soooo funy" but a "life bites you in the ass".
It feels like it is karma.

I wonder often what it's all for, the working out and giving up the things you love

I am trying to write a book and I am using my own life and the time I spent in Wisconsin as an inspiration
I start thinking about that time a lot and I wonder what point of view I should tell the story from.
Should I tell it as a young girl in her early twenties that can still get upset about somethings that happen and didnt happen OR should I tell the story as a a woman in her early thirties that can see it in a totally different way now.
It's kinda like therapy. I go back in time and rethink it and sort things out and I get sad, happy and mad.
I get sad because I think about the friendships and loves that I lost all because I wasn't honest with myself. Happy because I had a lot of fun and mad of all the stupid things I put my self through.
But what happens is that I want to change the story the whole time.
I need to close that chapter of my life and I think that this is the way to do it.
But who do I start?

Egentid...Vill man ha den måste man se till att ta den.
Ett toalettbesök kan vara en sådan stund om ens partner är hemma.
Man tar med sig telefonen, datorn, dagens tidning eller en bok. Stänger till dörren bakom sig (låser kanske till och med) tar ett djupt andetag och njuter att den dova tystnaden.

Jag har märkt att jag får väldigt sällan egentid om jag inte aktivt väljer att ta den.
Alla människor är olika, jag är en person som behöver en liten stund för mig själv för att ladda batteriet.
Så just nu tänker jag ta denna lilla stund och "make the best out of it"

Oh my lord it's been a long time!

The last time I wrote it was in the begining of September and I was still pregnant.

Pregnant...It feels like forever ago, 7 months and 7 days ago to be exact:)

2 weeks late our beautiful baby boy came into the world.

It was not an easy delivery. It ended up being a c-section and when our love came out he was all blue and not breathing.

No color, not responsive, not breathing BUT he did have a pulse.

Baby boy is a fighter :)

There is so much to write about, I mean it has gone 7 months already, it is just to much stuff.

I keep a jounal that I write everything down that happens on our journey the first year with baby and myself.

It is not easy, fun and sweet all the time so I write everything down SO in case we have a baby #2 we can go back and remind our selfs of that :)

Our little boy is a good baby for first time parents :) Already at 2 months he started sleeping through the nights.

I don't want to become one of "those" parents that brag about or compare my child.

Let me tell you all that it is not easy now a days. There is so much braging and comparing. If it isn't what your baby can do it is about that your baby is eating and wearing.

It is a circus out there and it is HARD!

Hopefully I can resist it and not become a part of it.

Wish me luck:)

Ok, so I have been back at work for 2 1/2 weeks and yesterday I got a cold... It sucks!
Things are not that fun right now and work has been the one thing to keep my mind off of being pregnant.

The week before I started working again my my hands started really hurting. I would wake up and I would not be able to use my fingers and hands. My fingers are very important in my line of work.
I went to a specialist and it turns out that because of the pregnancy I have extra fluid in my body and that fluid is pressing down on my veins and nerves in my wrist and that results in to that I have a hard time using my fingers and hands. But that hasn't stopped me from working, though at the end of the day I am in pain.

A good night sleep is something that I don't know what it is anymore. I wake up so many times per night that it feels that I really don't have a chance to fall into that beautiful deep sleep.
But I have still gone to work, it has been my salvation. The old ladies and gentlemen are so happy that I am back and that gives me strength.

I wanted to work three weeks at least before taking early maternity leave so when I got sick yesterday my heart broke. I feel like I have let my self down and all of the people that expect me to show up every week to sing...It is hard for me.

My anxiety is back. I cry a lot. I am scared. Work kept me grounded

Can't even explain how this heat has been slowly taking it's toll me.

I am sssoooo pregnant... It feels like everything just swells in this wonderful heat.

I'm heavy, my back hurts, I'm sweaty, moody and in a little bit of a panic.

I haven't felt like my self for weeks but that is what heat does to most people.

Today is one of the cooler days...Thank the lord.

Even though it's been hard these past few week have been lovely.

My best friend came to visit us with her lovely family.

We stayed in our house out on the country side. It felt cooler there. Closer to water.

It was a wonderful week having them here.

On thursday the same week more people came, my father, aunt and cousin came to say with us.

And my oldest brother and his family stayed at our apartment.

Why so many people?

Well my other brothers daughter got baptized that friday. So almost the whole family was here. It was a good time.

And guess what!

On saturday I got a surprise baby shower :) JOY!!!!!

I am a hard person to surprise, so when people succeed I love it:)

It was a HOT but wonderful baby shower.

I felt so much love.

I can't believe that our baby is almost here. Less than two months...

It's scary. I am scared. I wanted this, I looooonged for this but now that it's getting so close I am freaking out.

The moment I realized I was pregnant I changed my life style to make sure that our baby would grow and be healthy. So far so good.

But once it comes out in to the real world it really begins.

Do I know how to be a mother?

Do I have what it takes to love my child unconditionally?

When I take a look around our bedroom I can see that we are already making room for our new addition and sometimes, only sometimes, I get overwhelmed.

I know it's normal to feel this way but it feels wrong at the same time.

I wouldn't want it any other way but that doesn’t make it less scary.

  /Cathy

I am in the middle of my third week of my summer vacation.

Last week I was to hot and warm to write.

It was crazy warm and humid for being Sweden and I just did not want to move.

I was sweating every where, my knees started to ache and I couldn't sleep at night.

This week it's better I can move around like a normal person without sweating out of control.

So last week was some time spent by the ocean, some time spent in a park full of shade, shopping mall and as little time as possible spent in our apartment that had become a sauna :(

THIS week is a little different.

Me and my love drove out to our house to do some some work.

Erik is scraping the out side of the house and I have been cleaning because next week this is going to be a full house.

I love it here in our house, it's a lot of work but worth it.

Yesterday me and my mother in law striped four chairs and gave them new clothing :)

It took ALL day we started at noon and were done at 7.30pm, it was fun. I like spending time with my mother in law.

Today two of our lovely friends came to visit and it was a lovely time.

It makes me happy and people want to come all the way out to us to visit.

We ate lunch, went swimming, fika, played some kind of soccer and just hung out.

I can't help thinking about how different things are this summer.

Last summer me and Erik decided that we were ready to start a family. I thought that making that decision was the hard part...WRONG..the hard part was yet to come for us.

And now I'm sitting here with a person grown inside of me.

Last summer I was trying to not fall apart, bur little did I know that I was well on my way towards a break down.

And now I am sitting here the happiest and calmest I have ever been. I feel centered.

Don't think I don't have bad days cause I do but they are not as many and not as often.

Four week left of vacation and I am super excited!

Now I am sitting in our cottage on the west coast in Sweden and it's lovely.
I absolutely love this place.
It's been in the family for three generations on my fathers side.

I come here as often as I can in the summer when we have access to it but sometimes it takes years before I have a chance to come back so when I'm finally I just look at the view, go for a walk by the ocean or sit and read a book.
Today I have been siting with my big belly in the sun reading a good book and it's been nice.

It's my second day of my first week on my vacation and so far so good.
I am happy to be able to rest my body cause it is very sore and at times I get so tired from the aching.

Sometimes I realize that this is my last summer for a long time that I will be able to be just me...crazy.
This time next year I will have a baby on my lap or hanging on my breast and that feels strange but amazing.