Here I sit with the balcony door open to my sisters old room in the small small town I grew up in, Rimforsa.
It's been raining for hours and it has not stopped.
It's funny that I still remember every little smell that come in through the open door after all these years. The smells give me a a sense of security that this is still my home.

I come home and visit quite often, I like coming home for a few days and just look around.
I have so many memories like:
The corner where I kissed the neighbor boy, the church where I found my faith, the big White house were one of my best friends lived, the path that I walked with my first big love and he told me that he liked me and the beach where me and Erik spend one of our first summer nights together looking up at the stars laughing and drunk off of wine.


I can't help but to get sentimental when I breath in all of the scents from a rainy summers night.

During the time I was sick we found out that I was pregnant.
Joy in the middle of a time when things were dark and heavy.
A joy that we had been waiting for but I was scared that it would be taken away for me, us, again.

In september (2013) we found out that we were pregnant the first time and we were so happy. 

We were giggeling and started to see a future as a little family...but just a few days later we lost it.

The pain was great.

I was home alone all weekend when the bleeding started and it just wouldn't stop. I called the doctor and she told that I had to wait and that there was nothing to do if it was a miscarriage.

My whole body and soul told me that I was losing the baby and I did.

My heart was broken and still aches when I think about it.

The following months ahead were tough. People around me were pregnant or getting pregnant and I was mourning a loss.

Why I write about this is because I know how improtant it is to know that YOU are not alone. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

I felt very alone. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to forget. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me,us. I dodn't want people to know that I couldn't carry a child.

I was scared that this was how it was foing to be, that I could never have a baby.

I had a hard time feeling happy for others and their growing bellys and that made me feel even more ashamed BUT now I can say that it's normal.

All the questions "why me? Why did this have to happen to me?"

I asked my mom if I would always feel this way. If I would never be able to let ot go. She replied " You will never get over it but you will learn to live with it".

And I have.

After four months with trying and trying I just didn't have the strength any more. I told my love that it was too much pressure and that I just wanted to live my life...That's when we got pregnant...Crazy...I had just accepted the fact that it might not happen for us and that wasn't the end of the world.

So now I sit here and I am only 3 months away from my due date and it feels unreal...UNREAL.

My back is aching, I have a hard time tieing my own shoes and my breast leak time for time but I wouldn't want it any other way.

  Here I am week 15.

  week 21

  week 26

It's been many a months since I have written and I feel like I should explain a little bit.
I wasn't ready before but I am now.
I am ready to tell me story and go on.

In the beginning of the year...no it started way before that BUT to keep this story shorter I will take it from the end of last year. Christmas to be more exact.

Me and Erik traveled south to spend christmas and new year with my family last year and I was lookig forward to it.
I was kinda tired, fall had been harsh that year.
I wasn't really sleeping at night and my stomach problems were acting up again.
During the holidays it felt like I was going down a spiral and I was picking up speed.
I was trying to keep my self together, a usual, and it was making me very tired.

When we got back home after New Years, I had one night of hard drinking and realized that something was very wrong with me.
The spiral I was going down was going faster and faster and I was getting dizzy.
My body was showing all kind of symptoms, I wasn't sleeping at night, I was jumpy and for the first time I really felt what anxiety feels like.
If it wasn't for a harsh conversation I had with my mother that lead to a conversation with my sister I would never had gone to seek help.
My sister said that I looked and sounded depressed.
I went to my counselor and she asked me a lot of questions and wrote down my answers. My love was with me cause at that point I could not hear what people were saying to me.
I would have conversations but I was in a daze. I would carry on the convo like I knew what they were saying but I never heard a word.
It was sssoooo scary.

My counselor gave me a diagnoses "stress"...My first thought was that you can't get sick from stress BUT I was very very wrong.
Because I had been living with stress in my life for a very long time, do to different things, it was taking it's toll on me and breaking down my body

I was put on sick leave for three months. From the end of January too the end of March.
At that point I could hardly get of bed.

It was a crazy time.
It has humbled me.
I have always thought that I was superwoman, that could take care of my self. That I didn't need the way others needed. I could do it all.
BUT I was wrong once again.
It hasn't been easy for me but I am still learning every day to trust people.
Trust that they love me and want to take care of me.

Before I was way to involved and invested in other peoples life (one reason for my stress) that I forgot that I have my own life to live.

Becoming sick because of a way I have choosen to live my life is truly an awakening.
The three months I was at home I slept a lot the first few weeks and after that I started to learn how to take things easy.
Not think a lot about things I didn't have control over. Once I could just sit and take it easy on the sofa things started to sink in.
At that point I had gone A-wall form all of my friends.
I hadn't talked to them or tried to hang out with them for a good 4-6 months.

I started to see what I needed to change in my life so I cold get better.
I also started to make plans with one person, someone i felt that I wanted to trust, no big plans just coffee on neutral grounds.
It was vey important to me to be honest with every person I chose to hang out with, that I told them what was going on with me.

I am still learning every day but I have come sssooo far. I feel different and that is the important part.

- Cat