I am now done feeling sorry for myself about not being at that party BUT I can't shake the feeling of...it's hard to find the words.

As a child you can feel kinda often that things are unfair and can be upset about and it is ok.
As an adult you can also feel like alot of things are unfair BUT you can't be upset just cuz. As an adult you have to look at the situation and ask yourself WHY you are upset. It sucks...

So why did I get upset and sad?

I think that I do have the answer but I am so tired of it that I don't want to think about it or admit to it.

I got upset and sad because I feelt left out.

I wonder why I am not good enough to get invited to that party.

I want to be apart of something that other people are apart of.

I don't like feeling this way and today the weather dosen't help.

This is the reason I stoped having facebook. Now, do I have to stoop having instagram as well?

I feel like I am left outside in the cold.
People are invited to a party but I never got an invite.
I guess that I'm not considered a friend and at the same time I am ok with that BUT I feel silly that I invited that person to my party...
It is hard being a grown ass woman!
I thought at one point in my life that I did a good thing being honest but now I am not so sure.
I feel like I get excluded but I understand, it's just hard being on the outside looking in. I want to be apart, included.

The more I write about it the more I hear my self and it is stupid.
I just got upset and sad that is all

My baby boy and I are sitting on a train on my to visit my pappa, brother, sister in-law and therie beautiful girls.
It left super early this morning 05:08?
Right now baby is on the floor sleeping and I wish it was that easy for me. But instead I am sitting here thinking about what makes us good parents.
You see I had to go to the bathroom and suddenly I was in a dilemma " is it ok if I leave my baby,sleeping on the floor, while I go and pee?"
Is there a right or a wrong in this situation?
I am traveling alone with my 8 months old baby WHO is sleeping in a deep sleep on the floor safely it should be ok to leave him on the floor for like two minutes.

But I start to think how it would look to other people if I leave my baby to go to the bathroom.

I went to the bathroom. As I was sitting on the toilette my heart was pounding fast and I was nervous.

I got back and everything was fine and I was a happy camper.

Am I a good parent?

Are we good parents that leave our chuildren to go pee?

How about when we close the door for just one sec to take 1 minute to our selfs when the crying wont stop?

Or how about when you visit family and the moment you walk through the door you hand your baby to the grandparent standing closest to you and don't see your child for the rest of the weekend? (excepted for when there is a popy diaper)

80% of the time I feel guilty, does anybody else?

I feel like eyes are on you all the time.

What you feed your baby, what cloths he/she wears, how develpoed your child is and how calm and collected you are as a parent.

It is enogh to make you go mad.

What is a good parent?

Stupid, i know.
You should know that your beautiful without me telling you!
There is a hand full of people that have told me that I am beautiful and I guess that that is better than none BUT at the same time i feel that if more people told me that I was pretty I would start feeling it...don't know if there is any truth in that statement.

But i was thinking that if YOU are like ME i want to take this momet and tell you that you are beautiful just the way you are.

Today I got up at 8.00am and went to the gym to work out and that I did.
I have been doing it for about 3months and I sometimes wonder why I am doing it. I don't feel different and I don't look different.
I have gained weight and not lost any...I get soooooo frustrated.
I get myself to the gym about 3 times a week and I am in constant motion.
Now I am going to cut back on sweets and snacking but it is not easy. Cause I love it.
I knew that the body changes after a pregnancy but I was not prepared somehow.
I miss my old body, believe it or not.
Isn't funny not in a "hahaha,that is soooo funy" but a "life bites you in the ass".
It feels like it is karma.

I wonder often what it's all for, the working out and giving up the things you love