Yesterday me and my friend were out walking.
He was in a great mood. Every step he took was like a little skip of joy.
I was feeling blue.
It's silly to feel so blue when everything is great.
Spring is here = the trees are turning green, the sun is shining more and it is getting warmer.
" but all that makes me feel a little low" I told my friend.
And he said " carpe diem Catharina, carpe diem, we people have such a hard time living in the moment. We think to much ahead."
True story, I thought.
I was feeling blue because I already saw the end. The end of summer and that fall is just around the corner.

One of my goals for this summer is to live in the moment :)
Starting now!

I think alot.

And when I'm thinking I think mostly about relationships.

Why some don't work out. 

Why do we as humans not get along with everyone?

why do I not feel comfortable with everyone?

And when I think about that I feel guilty. Cause I feel that I should get along with everyone.

But the truth is that you can't. Right!?

You can't "klick" with every single person that enter your life. Right!?

Guilt is a hard thing to live with.

I know that guilt is the key to my low self-esteem, body hatred,loning to make things right and never giving up on things that needed to end a long time ago.

They say that when you admitt to having a problem the battle is half won.

Ok, that is great but where do I go from here?

What is my next move?

How can I win?

I have lived with low self-esteem and body hatred for about a decade and a half.

it's like it has become apart of me. Who I am. I just don't know who I would be without it.

Sounds crazy, I know, but true.

It crazy how the mind works.

I thought that I was thinking about relationships but it was my guilt all along..

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When I turned 30 my husband had planned surprises for me :D
He fixed a party and had gotten my parents to come, my aunt, our dear family friend Karin, my brother and his lovely family and our friends from Gothenburg. But the biggest suprise was my best friends Elin :)
I was ssssoooo happy when he took my blindfold of and she was right in front of my eyes!
I had no idea :)
She took me out for dinner and drinks, just her and I, and it was lovely.

The surprise party was awesome!
Tacos, speeches, music, presents and dancing... A whole lot of dancing :D
I am happy that I can fill a room with about 30 people and just have a good time.

And then on Sunday morning I got champagne breakfast :D amazing!

Thank you everyone that made my birthday week amazing!
You make my heart zing <3

I am proud to say that I am 30 years old now :)
How does it feel? That is always the question you get when it's your birthday. Or do you feel older?
I really don't think about it. Sometimes the thought passes my mind that I am 30 now but I just smile and get bout my day.
I am happy hat I am not 20.
The only thing I find hard is that times dose feel like it goes faster as you get older.

I know that if I wouldn't had been where I am right now,in my life at 30, I would probably had a crises, no doubt.
I have meet people that have said that they are so happy that I am married cause if they would had been 30 and unmarried they would had died....I find that crazy. But everybody has therie own wants in life.
I never had that kind of "want" of getting married and children.

I think one of my " wants" has always been to find that person that loves me for who I am.
I have found that I don't only have one person that loves me for who I am but I have at least a hand full ( outside of my family) and that makes my heart sing.

Some of My "wants"
* to be loved as I am
* work with something I love
* Be healthy
* have music in my life
* balance
* friends
* be happy
* love myself
* love
* a home
* family

I hope that as a 30 years old woman I will be more understanding, patient , loving, cool, funny and wiser :)